Day 134 - I LEARNED THAT I KNOW THAT I AM...

Thought I would share a modified version of a post I made in an online group today.  It seems a bit self-congratulatory, but I don't mean it as that.  I mean it as insight as to how my life has evolved over these past few months.  I would never want cancer to define me.  But I do have to acknowledge that this experience is seriously evolving me...

~~~~~~~~~~~

In August, I thought Christmas was SO far away.  Now chemo is done, I am still here, and I LEARNED that I am stronger than cancer!  In three weeks, I'll have a surgery that I couldn't even start to think about in August.  Now it is nearly here and I KNOW that I am stronger than cancer.  In a few more weeks, I'll start 7 weeks of daily radiation treatments and I won't bolt from the room because I LEARNED THAT I KNOW THAT I AM stronger than cancer.  My cancer will NOT survive 2014, but I WILL!!

 

This has been the hardest challenge of my life. To stay composed and positive has taken all of my energy and effort.  But I have succeeded.  They say that you never know how you will react when life throws you a curve ball.  Now I know.  I've got my eye on it and I'm going to hit that damn ball over the fence!  I'm not settling for a single, a double, or even a triple.  Home run, baby!!  Frankly, it has to be a home run because I can't run fast enough right now to get around the bases with anything else.  ;-)

 

This is scary stuff.  I'm terrified sometimes.  But I am HERE and for every day that Heavenly Father gives me, I will rejoice in another day to tell my kids I love them.  This isn't about what we have lost... the hair, the breasts, the spontaneity... this is about every day being a day to rejoice that WE ARE STRONGER THAN CANCER because WE ARE HERE!!

 

Not sure what has come over me today... but it feels really good!!  ;-)

~~~~~~~~~~

Day 133 - Looking forward to 2014 and Beyond

Well, December 20th was a good milestone... the sixth and final chemo is now behind me.  I was a little worried it was going to be delayed because I developed a pretty common side effect (in later stages of chemo) called 'edema' last week, where the legs and feet swell to Pillsbury Dough Boy proportions.  I'd put up a couple of pictures, but it would make a few of you gun shy of reading here again.  ;-)  Things are much better now.  Feet are back to normal size and my ankles are once again distinguishable from my calves.

 

So grateful and proud of Steph and Tom for accompanying me to each chemo session.  I know it wasn't easy for them but they endured and were always cheerful.  On the right are a set of earrings Stephie gave me for Christmas.  Love them!

 

From January thru August, I will still go in for an infusion every three weeks, but it will only be for Herceptin and it will only take about an hour (instead of the 3.5 hours the carboplatin-taxotere-Herceptin regime took).  Carboplatin and Taxotere were chemo drugs. They are the ones with side effects that made me sick and lose my hair.  So, while I appreciate their hard work, I'm glad we are parting company!  So long, Carbo and Taxo warriors!!  Thanks for being my chemo heroes!!

 

Herceptin is a non-chemo drug that blocks the feeding and/or multiplying of any cancer cells that may have survived the carboplatin and taxotere assaults.  The theory is that if there are still cancer cells alive, they won't be able to replicate before they die of starvation.

 

On January 16th, I will have a bilateral mastectomy.  On the right side, it will be a simple mastectomy, since the surgeon will take all of the breast but won't be taking any more lymph nodes than are already part of my right breast.  On the left side (the cancer side), it will be a 'modified radical' mastectomy.  The surgeon will take all the left breast material and lymph nodes extending up into my left armpit because the cancer invaded that far on my left side.

 

Recovery will be about a month.  I'm planning on zero activity the first week (really!).  At about two weeks, I will slowly start to resume normal activities... slowly... I promise....  ;-)

 

About mid-February, I will also start daily radiation treatment for 7 weeks.  This intimidates me quite a bit.  I understand surgery.  I don't understand radiation as well. 

 

Also about mid-February, I should start seeing real hair return.  By late Spring I should have a crew-cut's worth.  YEAH!!  Much as I've loved and appreciated the hats from friends, I have really missed looking 'normal' with hair.  While I've gotten used to this bald look, it makes me look like something is wrong and far more is right than wrong!  To the left is a recent picture.  Being bald has been tough.  But, if it gives me 20 more years to tease, love, and harass my children... I'd be willing to be bald forever.

 

Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and support.  I am so grateful!  I am also very thankful for my online friends who are going through the same things I am at the same time.  They are a wonderful group of ladies who are inspiring and confident that we are all going to KICK CANCER'S ARSK IN 2014!!

 

For those of you wondering what happened to walking, I promise to be back at it in early February.  Exhaustion set in and I have just been managing to hang on for the ride for the past few months.  Looking forward to getting out there with you!!

 

May your New Year be joyful and full of love, laughter, family, and friends.  I plan on 2014 being a year full of victories!!

Day 103 - Surgery on the Horizon

Met with the surgeon today (Dr. Clark).  Surgery is scheduled for January 16th, about 4 weeks after the last round of chemo (December 20th).  Glad to have it on the calendar, even though it is very intimidating.  It will be a double radical mastectomy and they will also take out the cancer infected lymph nodes.

About a month after surgery, I'll start a 7 week regime of daily radiation treatments. There will be a one week break about mid-way through so that I can get some Vitamin D therapy in Arizona (Spring Training) .

 

I've been highly focused on getting through the chemo and put thinking about the surgery on the back-burner so I wasn't overwhelmed.  The past couple of weeks, as I was preparing for the discussion with the surgeon, I knew there were some heavy decisions to be made...

 

Single side surgery since on the left side has cancer or double in order to reduce the chance of recurrence?  Reconstruction expanders put in during the initial surgery or wait until later?  My priority has to be the best chance of being long-term cancer free. 

 

It comes down to a simple equation.  How I will look is far less important to me than being alive to enjoy my children and grandchildren.  It is as simple as that.  Special shout-out to Carol and Leslie for letting me talk this out tonight and helping me laugh, cry, count my many blessings, and feel confident in the way ahead.

 

A side note:  A kind friend was visibly bummed for me today that I have chemo tomorrow and will be chemo-sick over the Thanksgiving weekend.  While I appreciated her love and concern, in my mind, I am trading this Thanksgiving for 20 more down the road. Seems like more than a fair trade.  Happy Thanksgiving!!

 

Heavenly Father is in charge.  I have faith in Him.  I have great friends and family.  Life is good!

 

Day 90: The Beat Goes On

Just a short note to let everyone know that I'm still doing fine.  Round 4 was last Friday.  So, we are 2/3's of the way through chemo.  Yeah!  Each round seems to get a little worse than the last, but it is still manageable.  Thank you, everyone, for your prayers, good thoughts, walks, hats, food, and simple conversation.  I am so blessed with so many wonderful friends.

The post-chemo road ahead will start to be more specifically mapped out in the coming weeks.  By Thanksgiving I will have met with Dr. Clark, the surgeon, again. We will hopefully firm up the surgery date and details.  I'm looking forward to getting this stuff on the calendar  and making more progress.

Keep the prayers and good thoughts headed this way!  They are keeping me in good spirits and primed for the fight!

Day 67 - Half Way Through Chemo

Round 3 of Chemo was on Friday, October 18th. The half-way point for Chemo.  Yeah!!  Stephie was my escort for the day.  She is so calm, easy going, and mature.  I am amazed at how well both kids are handling this and am thankful for their friends who are so supportive of them.

The doctors changed up my nausea medications and this round seems to be easier than Round 2.  Very happy about that because Round 2 was really tough. Speaking of medications, I've gone from taking a single multivitamin two months ago to taking as many as 10 different types pills at a time now.  Treatment seems to be effective.  In the next month or so there will be more scans to see just how effective and where the 'margins' will be for surgery. 

 

Super Big Shout-Out to the Keatings and Margot Rustad for their secret surprise! They put up a "Walk with Kathryn Simpson" facebook page to coordinate walking AND made shirts for Team Simpson walkers!  Wow!! Shocking that so many of my friends could keep a secret that long too. ;-)

The link to the walking page is below:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1387873961442846/
If you want to join, just let me know and I'll add you.

Lots of folks are asking if I'm able to go to work.  Fortunately, the answer is, "Yes!" (most of the time).  I usually take Monday and Tuesday off after Chemo and can go to work from Wednesday or so until the next round.

In January, I will have to take 3 weeks off for surgery and recovery so I am trying not to use any more leave than absolutely need to during chemo.

My boss and co-workers are very supportive and I am grateful to be able to keep my job through this.  In fact, I even got a special accommodation for a heater in my cubicle to help me stay warm and healthy.  And, we have banned all germs on the 1st floor. ;-)

Over the Columbus Day weekend, I flew out to Boise to visit my friend Leslie (and her husband DJ).  Had a great time just relaxing and hanging around with them.  Great to get away for a few days. Thanks, Leslie and DJ!!
 

Day 44 Part 2 - Blessings and Tender Mercies

Blessings and Tender Mercies come in many forms...

 

Tom was my escort at Round 2.  We were both hungry, so I sent him to the cafeteria immediately after they had me in my recliner to get us some breakfast.  He isn't a fan of needles, so I didn't want him to have to watch them access the port.  Unbeknownst to either of us, my oncologist was also in the cafeteria.  They struck up a brief conversation because Tom was wearing an SK shirt and Dr. Senecal's kids went to Bellarmine Prep (the two teams were playing each other last night).  So, about 30 minutes later, when I met with the Doctor, they already knew each other a little.  I think that made Tom more comfortable that my doctor was human and personable.  As my friend, Rebecca, would say, Go God!! 

 

The other happy 'coincidence' was that Antone, Tom's assistant baseball coach at Narrows, happened to have chemo yesterday too and the office scheduled him in the seat right next to us.  It let Tom have some great conversation, see that Antone was getting better, and he just had someone to relate to that made him more comfortable.  I said a little prayer of Thanks.  Such blessings are small testimonies that Heavenly Father knows our needs and sends small, but powerful, tender mercies our way.

Day 44 - Survivor at Hope

So much to write about today.  I'll have a morning post and one later tonight.

Yesterday was Round 2 of Chemo.  True to my commitment, I did NOT bolt out of the room.  Round 2  was so much easier. I knew what was going to happen and was better prepared mentally for the day ahead.  Big shout out to my favorite son, Thomas, for spending the whole morning with me.

Today, I drove down to Tacoma to get the follow-up Neulasta shot.  As I was waiting for my shot this morning, I played around with the "Kids at Hope" pledge, which is near and dear to my heart, and reworded it for Cancer Survivors.  Let me know what you think.  Naomi suggested "patient" instead of  "survivor".  What do you think?

Yesterday, my chemo appointment was concurrent with my doctor's appointment.  So, after they had me all hooked up and dripping KCA Cocktail into my body, I wheeled my IV to the doctor's exam room and met with Dr. Senecal.  Tom came with me and listened for most of it.  I asked him to leave the room for the actual exam.  He was very quick to agree.  ;-)

GREAT NEWS!!The KCA Cocktail has the cancer scared, dying, and on the run already!  Way to go, KCA Soldiers!! The upside of having some of the cancer areas visible is that we can see if it is expanding or in retreat.  Those cancer cells are dying like fruit flies hit with the right kind of RAID and a strong cold front!!  That was powerful to my hope-o-meter, yesterday!

Lary Copolla posted a great quote that I've seen before, but that has taken on special meaning this past 44 days.  "God gives us only what we can handle.  Apparently God thinks I'm a bad-a**".  While I'm usually not one to mix God and bad-a** in the same sentence, I'm going to risk it because I know from life experiences that God has a sense of humor.  :-)

Symbolic of how much better Round 2 went... Remember in Round One where my blood pressure was 165/something and I ripped off the BP cuff and bolted from the room?  Well, in Round 2, my blood pressure was only 111/75.  I bet most of you healthy runners my age don't have such enviable BP. 
 

 

Day 42 - Eve of Round 2

Round 2 of KCA tomorrow morning.  Glad that Tom is going with me.  Steph is headed out of town for a couple of days, but left me this really sweet note..

 

Big shout out to the great folks at www.breastcancer.org.  If you are ever in this situation and need a place to talk to others going through the same thing, I highly recommend their discussion groups.  Conversing with others who are going through exactly what I am has been very uplifting and comforting.  There is even a group for people that just started chemo this month, so we journey through this together.  Wonderful ladies who are juggling the same things I am... family, faith, fears, work, and hope.



Some frustrating news this week.  Spoke to the doctor and he said that I'll have to be on the Herceptin (one of the KCA cocktail drugs) for a full year. So, I thought the infusions would end on December 20th, but apparently not.  It has taken a few days for my paradigm to shift on that news.

September 25, 2013

 

The good news is that the Herceptin is the least side-effect riddled drug of the three and it doesn't cause hair loss.  Speaking of my hair, it is completely gone now.  Here are a couple of 'contrast and compare' pics.  I was surprised that it was actually very painful as the hair was falling out.  After two days of pain and mange, it shaved off very easily.  It was nice not to have the pain when I touched my head (like a thousand needles stabbing my scalp), but I have to admit that it was a little discouraging.  But, I expect to be back to my short summer haircut by July or so.  Just in time for the 5K Foam Fest!



June 2013

Speaking of support, I just can't say enough how much I appreciate all of my friends and colleagues.  From texting me to just check up on me, to walking with me (and often bringing a possee)  to hats and quilts, to comfort food that is delicious, to letting me know that you are praying for us every day, to helping 'pay it forward' by helping others, I am so richly blessed by each of you.  You inspire me and keep me going.  Thank you! 

 I will try and make a blog post from the chemo room tomorrow.  No promises, but I'm going to try just to prove I can multitask while KCA! Round 2 will be better than Round 1.

Day 38 - Round 2

Round 2 of Chemo is on Friday, September 27th.  I'm looking forward to it.  I'm looking forward to it.  I'm convincing myself that I'm looking forward to it (sigh).  The good news is that I know what to expect this time and have some new 'tools in the toolbox' to help cope with the rough week or so afterwards.

 

The first 8 days after Chemo are tough physically and mentally. You are glad the chemo drugs are KCA (kicking cancer's arsk, for those of you that are new), but the drugs are also constantly kicking you in the gut and your bones feel like they are in a slow motion explosion.  Mentally, it is rough because you have to constantly remind yourself, "Self, you don't have to do this or that."  I'm constantly reminding myself, "Let it go... rest, eat a little, rest some more, and save your energy for later in the race."

 

Whoever said that you have to look at this like a marathon instead of a sprint is spot on.  In a marathon, you need to suppress the intense egocentric desire to speed up a little and pass that guy/gal right ahead of you at mile 2.  You will pass them at mile 20 if you are disciplined.  Learning to be disciplined is hard, though.

 

That includes some discipline to not expend too much energy in the political commentary I usually enjoy on facebook and the comment sections of the papers... So, if I usually take you on (and you know who you are), please don't think I've lost my passion or that my silence is agreement... just know that when I finish this marathon, you better be prepared!

 

 

Then there are two or three days of feeling a little better, but not 80%. Then 10 days of feeling 80% great (all things considered)... until the next chemo treatment.

 

I promise not to 'bolt' in Round 2.  After all, I'm looking forward to snuggling up with my quilts and having Tom as a captive audience for a few hours.  I hope he loaded Words with Friends on his iPhone.

 

Hair is falling out easily now. So glad I cut it.  Just having the 1/4 inch or shorter stubbies coming off with the lint roller is weird enough.  Bonus is that my legs are silky smooth.  :-)

Day 38 - Fantastic Friends, Finish Lines, and Foam Fun

Fantastic Friends

 

Big Shout Out to great friends Cindy McMullen, Martha Rice, Patty Wood, and all of WSSDA peers. Thank you for the hand made quilt, Cindy! Thank you, Martha, for the handmade hat. Thank you, Patty, for the stress token. And, Thank you, everyone, for signing the quilt and the good wishes/thoughts/prayers. I am humbled by the love and support of everyone!

 

Patty Wood gave me a pocket token to absorb my stress during the road ahead.  I think she said it was her first 5K finisher medal.  So, I wanted to return it next Spring when I am well and what better way to return it than to do a 5K with Patty!  Actually, she gave me a choice... a 5K or climb Mt. St. Helens. Since I'm more terrified of Mt. St. Helens than trying to finish a 5K, I opted for the 5K.  Patty gets to pick the 5K.  I get to pick the hospital for lunch.  ;-)

 

Also, BIG Shout Out to my walking buddies, Margot, the Keating Family, Michelle, and so many others!  Ya'll are such great friends and you make me laugh when I want to cry, smile instead of grimmace, and build muscle mass when I'd rather veg on the couch. 

 

Looking Past the Finish Line

Setting goals is very important.  It helps frame the mind for success.  With that in mind, I'm setting some activity goals for post-detour fun.  Here is my list so far:

 

1. Finish a 5K with Patty Wood.
2. Trip to Vegas, Baby! (tentative plan is March 2014... maybe April)
3. Foam Fest 5K on July 12, 2014 in Sammamish.
4. New Car (well, at least 2007 or newer).
5. A trip that requires my passport! (tentatively in the Fall of 2014)

 

Foam Fun!

 

If you would like to join me for the 2014 Foam Fest, click on link or the picture. It is July 12, 2014 at Lake Sammamish Park, near Issaquah, Washington.  Big Shout Out to Bobbie Haegele for the idea!

I'M IN!!

 

 

Day 32 - Mutant Genes! NOT!!

Dr. Clark's office called today with the results of the genetic testing to see if I carried the BRAC1 or BRAC2 genetic mutation.  I took a deep breath and asked if I was or was not a mutant.  Turns out that I am NOT a mutant Ninja!!  The genetic testing came back negative.  Another big WIN for Team Simpson!

I was very relieved to share this information with Steph and Tom this evening.   I'll weep for my aspirations for a becoming a mutant comic superhero later.

This news may present some potential choices in January's surgery.  However, we will need to biopsy a potential cancer area of the right breast that showed up on the MRI/PET/CT scans.  If it is positive then I'll definitely be having a bi-lateral mastectomy in January.  If it is negative then I have some additional options and calculated risks.  I'm also weighing the option of just having the bi-lateral mastectomy in order to minimize risk entirely.

Right now, I'm leaning towards minimizing risk entirely. 7300 Days seems easier to get to with fewer risk areas inside my body.

You can read more about BRAC1 and BRAC2 genetic testing here:
http://ww5.komen.org/breastcancer/genemutationsampgenetictesting.html

Day 28 - III beats IV

The oncologist just called. The biopsy results from the two 'rogue' suspect lymph nodes (in my neck and right side) are finally back.  NEGATIVE!!  Team Simpson celebrates a victory!!

Seems a little strange to be celebrating Stage III cancer, but it sure beats the complications of Stage IV and brightens the prognosis significantly!  A friend reminded me earlier this week that this battle is a marathon, not a sprint.  So, being Stage III instead of Stage IV is a major victory! 

Keep the good thoughts, prayers, and jokes coming!  Thank you all for your love and support.  It means so much and keeps us so positive.

The first session of chemotherapy kicked pretty hard for a few days.  However, I'm feeling much better now and only had a day and a half off of work this week. Learned a lot about how to manage the side effects and think that the next round will be easier.

Oh, and bald is beautiful... but chilly.  I'll be sporting all sorts of TCC, Mariners, Seahawks, South Kitsap, and Washington Husky hats and scarves this fall and winter. Maybe they will all do well just so I can stay in good fashion.  :-)

Tomorrow (Friday, September 13th) is the SKHS Football Home Opener.  GO WOLVES!!  Looking forward to a great game!

Day 23 - Hit by a Truck

This will be a short post.  Yesterday, I felt really good.  It was the first day after the first chemo treatment and I thought, "Wow, not so bad".  Then I woke up this morning and felt like I got hit by a big truck.  I think the first three letters of it's license plate was HCT... (sigh).  Glad I planned on laying low this weekend.

While I physically don't feel well, my spirit is heartened by knowing that bad cells are being confronted by the KCA Warriors.

Thank you to everyone for the prayers, good thoughts, and inspiration.  It means so much!  Keep it coming.

Day 21 - KCA Soldiers Arrive in the War Zone - Delivered by My Personal Navy!

This is the day, this is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made.
I will rejoice and be glad in it, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

This is the day, this is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made

~~Theme Song for Noah's Ark Preschool

 

Chemotherapy started today.  Exactly 21 days since this cancer detour began.  What a wild and crazy three weeks!  Then it hit me so hard today that this is real.  I ended up bolting from the room twice before we got started.  The first time was just plain and simple a 'fight or flight' response.  I had arrived 10-15 minutes early and then sat waiting in the waiting area for another 20+ minutes beyond my appointment start time.  That was not good.  When they took my blood pressure, it was much higher than I have ever seen it in my life!!  That caused the 'fight or flight' to kick into overdrive and I bolted.

 

The nurse asked Stephie (who insisted on coming with me) if I would be coming back.  Stephie, in typical Simpson fashion, replied, "Well, she can't get far because I have her keys".  As I ran out three doors to get outside, I just needed to clear my head and regroup.  I did.  Walking back in, though, the nurse stopped me at the door and asked if I wanted to talk about it.

 

We agreed to talk about it 'outside' where I could breathe. So, technically, I didn't bolt twice... the second one was a supervised visit to the out of doors as a pre-treatment excursion.  ;-)  In a few minutes I was back inside and my blood pressure had gone from 160/Something to 125/Something.  Then they got the port hooked up, got me in a chemo seat (very comfy) and spent the next 4.5 hours infusing KCA slow drip cancer killing warriors into my system!  Tom texted me right as we were starting the infusions, "This is day 1 to recovery. Love you".  What a great attitude!

 

Huge shout out to Steph and Tom.  They are beyond brave.  Both insisted on coming to chemo today to make sure I wasn't alone.  I know I said, "No, thanks" to many of our friends because I was afraid of how I would respond with you there the first time.  But, I cannot and will not say, "No thanks" to Steph and Tom.  They are in this as much as I am. 

 

Steph took the first shift and was just the right person to be there.  She trusted that I would come back. :-)  Tom arrived a couple of hours later and sat there while I slept (Benadryl to prevent an allergic reaction) so that Stephie could go to work.  I love my kids.  I love the strong, independent, and caring young adults they have become!

 

Chemo took about 4.5 hours.  It will take less next time because they start with a bonus dose of the Herceptin on the first visit. They load each KCA warrior troop sequentially and before the KCA troops can be loaded in, they frontload a bunch of spies and secret agents that help the troops once they arrive (steroids, mainly).  The Herceptin was about 90 minutes (an hour next time). The Taxotere was about an hour and the Carboplatin was 45 minutes or so. The three drug cocktail is known as HCT. We had a Benadryl stand-down for about 45 minutes too.  That was to treat some potential allergic reactions so that they didn't get worse and have a cascading negative effect on my ability to breathe (an essential element to getting well).   I can walk around, eat lunch, snack, chat, and use my ipad/phone. Steph went to the cafeteria and got us some lunch.

It feels good to be fighting now!

Some of you were texting and messaging me.  I tried to keep up, but the Benadryl got the best of me and I ended up sleeping most of the time.

 

Special Shout-out to the Gig Harbor Comfort Quilters!! My handmade quilt is amazing!  Thank you for making a very difficult time a little easier and cheerier. Special Shout-outs to  Sheila for the delicious and hot pumpkin pie and to Becky, who has been keeping a good watch on me and dropped off a special air-head friend to watch me when she can't. :-)

 

Am feeling good tonight.  Queezy, but good.  Thank you, everyone, everyone for your good thoughts and prayers today and everyday.  We have boots on the ground inside my body and your great faith and hope on the outside.  Keep battling for Team Simpson!  Failure is not an option!

Day 20 - From Surreal to Real - Facing Reality

Thanks, Kathy Collins!

Big shout-out to my walking buddies this week (Michelle, Margot, and Sheila)!  Thank you! 

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do something that scares you every day". 

From the moment you hear the words, "You have cancer", you live with fear every day.  Biopsies scare you, PET Scans scare you, other invasive procedures scare you, words and statistics scare you, the phone calls from the doctors scare you, telling your kids really scares you... but if you want to live, really live, then you get up, every day, face the fear, find the goodness inside and the humor outside, and choose to live... really live!

Sometimes you will be so overwhelmed (like I was today) that you will question your capacity to walk your own talk.  But keep talking and keep walking!! It is ok to be afraid.  It is not ok to let that fear drive your decision making or drive you to Canada.

Chemo School overwhelmed me today.  Things suddenly got very real very fast!  So fast that after about 10 minutes, I abruptly excused myself to "borrow the restroom" and ran to the nearest exterior door for fresh air. I took several deep breaths, regained my composure and returned to the room. I was not the best student today.  But I will Ace the exam!


Thanks, Sandy and Mareen!

Chemotherapy starts tomorrow (Thursday).  It will be every three weeks for six cycles.  The last treatment will be right before Christmas.  The slow-drip-KCA-cocktail will include Herceptin, Taxotere, and Carboplatin.  I'll also get an immune system booster shot the next day.  It will have something called "Neulasta" in it.  Kinda funny name for that drug.

Yup, I am scared.  I know my family is scared. But we will get through the day! We will get up in the morning, find the goodness inside, the humor outside, ask for Heavenly Father's help, rely on the faith, prayers and moral support of family and friends... and live... really live!

Day 16 - Thinking about the Heavy Lifting



Gonna need a little help from my friends!
Thanks Marcia, Marty, and Mike!

What a chaotic whirlwind the past two weeks have been!  This is just not how I planned life at this time.

Friends repeatedly remind me, "You can do this! If anyone can, you can!", with conviction and support.  Openly, I agree, and then laugh and say, "Do I have a choice?" Inside my head though, I am thinking, "Holy Seminole, this is going to require some heavy lifting!"

 

Do I have a choice?  Well, actually I have many choices.  Do I fight with all my might? Do I look for the good in others?  Will I hide under my blanket (HUMB) for days?  Will I curse at the nurse that just poked me three times when one stick should have been enough?  Do I self-medicate unnecessarily?  Do I get angry with God?  Do I take a little risk from time to time and run with scissors (RWS) just for the fun of it? Do I remember my manners? Do I thank Heavenly Father for the richness and goodness that is in my life?  Will I ask for help when I need it?  So many choices, so much agency in this. 

Ultimately, I believe that I will make choices in this fight that are consistent with my internal values. So, not only will I fight for 7300 days, but I will fight fair, fight hard, and fight right!  Yes, there is going to be some heavy lifting over the next several months and maybe for a few years.  Yes, I'm going to handle it poorly from time to time.  But that is LIFE!  And I intend to live my life to it's fullest, good days and bad.

Breakfast of Champions!
PET Scan Juice

If I'm edgy sometimes, please forgive me and kick me in the keester to get out of it. I have choices in the battle each day.  I am counting on my friends to help me make the detour choices ones full of hope, graciousness, and love.  Not just one choice, but the many choices each day.  These choices will determine not just whether I win the war, but the landscape of the battleground, and most importantly (to me) the value in this journey for my family.

So, my first choice is to be a realistic optimist.  Even when my breakfast is a bottle full of high contrast barium liquid or my first conversation of the day is with a nurse with a needle!  I have choices! I choose to grimace, make a joke, and get it done!!!

 

 



Tests, Needles, Tests, Needles...
Necessary to KCA!!
 

KCA Milestones this past Week: 

• Mon - MRI Scan
• Wed - PET/CT Scans
• Wed - Chemo Port Install Surgery
• Fri    - Strategy Meeting with Oncologist
• Fri   - Baseline Echo-Cardiogram (Surprise! I actually have a heart!)

General Plans for the Week:

• Sat/Sun/Mon - Paint, trip to Cabellas, Chores, HUMB
• Tues - Possibly a biopsy of two 'rogue' lymph nodes.
• Wed - Work, First Day of School in SKSD!! (Happy Happy!), School Board Meeting
• Thurs - Work, likely the first day of KCA Chemo, SKHS Football!!
• Friday - Work
• Sat - HUMB
• Sun -RWS

Work-Out Goals for the Week:(looking for volunteers to walk with me)

• Sat/Sun - 10 laps at the SKHS Track
• Mon - 5 laps at the SKHS Track + YMCA
• Tues - 5 laps at SKHS
• Wed -
• Thurs - 3 laps at the visitor's Track before the SKHS game.
• Friday -5 laps at SKHS + YMCA

Day 14 - Sunshine and Rain

Today was a big win for Team Simpson!!  The best part of today?  Telling Steph and Tom the good news!!  It felt SO good to share some good news with them!! You'll have to read all the way to the end to get the good news too, if you don't already know. :-)

 

2013 has been an awesome summer for the NW.  Glorious weather for nearly two months.  Fun, sun, and family!  Hardly any measurable rain. Then, today, the rain hit all at once.  A sudden downpour of sheets and sheets of rain.  Followed, almost immediately, by a weather forecast for more glorious sunshine soon. The rain was so impressive that I just couldn't resist the opportunity to act like a kid and run outside and dance in it for fun. 

This summer's weather seemed to mimic our family's experience for the past two months.  Glorious times with the road to the State Baseball Championship game, graduations, and celebrations of milestones in our family.  Then, suddenly, out of no where, it started to pour sheets and sheets of rain into our lives with the cancer diagnosis.  It was raining so hard that we felt like we were drowning at times. 

 

While it poured down on us, our friends and family poured out their hearts in prayers, moral support, and good thoughts! That kept us above the water line.

Yesterday, in true team spirit, Steph and Tom chauffeured me to  the PET/CT scans and then to St. Joseph's for the brief surgery to install the chemo port.  Tough work, but I was grateful they went with me for moral support and to understand things better. I was very worried that the scans would show a broader scope of the metastasized cancer.

 

Then today, even though it is still pouring, we got to dance in the rain!! In fact, that rain dance was so powerful that there is now a forecast for more glorious sunshine soon too!  The PET/CT scans show NO ACTIVITY outside of my left and right breasts and associated lymph nodes!!  Right now, I am the happiest person with cancer on the planet.  I don't even care that I just said the words "breasts" in public!  I'll blush about it later (smile).

Life is GOOD.  Keep up the prayers and good thoughts.  We have felt the power of a loving and humorous Father in Heaven.  The road ahead will be challenging, but we can now see sunshine in the distance.  It beckons and we will work as hard as we can to reach it.

 

Day 10: Breaking Down - Building Within - Racing to the Top

The past two weeks have been so surreal.    My mind has kept up, but my heart and soul have been struggling to catch a breath. I knew I needed to have a breakdown.  It was inevitable. I also knew I needed it to be immediately  followed by a heart-to-heart with Heavenly Father to pour out my fears to Him to bring in the faith.   Yet, I was uncertain if I was ready for answers I didn't want to hear.

There is a legitimate mortal struggle between trust and fear. Yet, I know that I don't have room for the negative energy of fear in this fight. I need the strength that comes with faith in God's Plan, not just faith in God.  The distance between real faith and just repeating the language of faith is very wide. This battle cannot be sustained on borrowed faith or the habits of the language of faith. It must be built from within.

In an immediate crisis, we generally rely on our training to get us through the moment. That is why we train. But training won't sustain us for long unless we genuinely embrace the principles and truths behind it.   When lacking genuine trust, a soldier has a lot of time between one crisis and the next to question the veracity and relevance of the mission.  Are we fighting for the right cause? Is the leadership the right leadership to follow? Am I a pawn or a warrior?

So, on Saturday, I took a drive to a clear my head, melt down, and have a warrior's heart-to-heart.  While what happens in the breakdown zone stays in the breakdown zone, I can say that I'm confident in Heavenly Father's plan.  I trust that He knows best and will empower me with the love, vigilance, grace, and hope to find the joy in the journey and be the best parent I can be for my children.  He knows how deeply I love my children and He knows their needs.  I don't trust easy, but I trust our living God.  Whether I am blessed with one year, five years, or a full 7300 days, I am confident that Heavenly Father's plan is the best plan and love will prevail.

As I was on the ferry coming home, I saw a facebook post from a friend about climbing the Pinnacle at REI.  I challenged her to a race to the top a year from now.  I intend to beat her with a few seconds to spare!

Plans for the week:
Mon - MRI
Wed - PET and CT Scan + Port Installation
Fri    - Meet with the Oncologist
Sat   - RWS  (running with scissors) 

Big shout outs to friends who have sent me messages, jokes, music, and texts of good thoughts and love this week!  You have kept me sane amongst the chaos.  Thank you!

Rainbow Reminders

Many years ago, when Steph and Tom were still quite young, they loved spending time with my dad, Grandpa Everett.  Grandpa lived in Hawaii and came out to visit as often as he could.  Unfortunately, he died unexpectedly in 1997, when Stephie was about 6 and Tom was 3.



Picture by Joel Sartore
 

Stephie was old enough to understand a little about death and she wanted to understand where Grandpa went.  As we talked about life and death and Heavenly Father's plan for us, she asked, "Mom, what will Grandpa do in Heaven?".  I told her that I wasn't exactly sure, but I knew two things about Grandpa.  First, he would be working to improve things in Heaven.  Second, he would be watching over us and cheering us on from a distance.  Trying to frame it in a way she could understand, I told her that Grandpa was likely going to be working on rainbows because Stephie loved rainbows and Grandpa would want a way to remind her how much he loves her.  So, any time we saw a rainbow in the sky we could think of Grandpa and the work he is doing in heaven to help Heavenly Father and to watch over us.

That made sense to Stephie at the time and it comforted me every time I saw a rainbow after that.

Well, last Thursday, when I had to talk to the kids about this cancer journey, they were devastated.  As was I. But Stephie told me later that while we were talking (we were at the Bremerton Waterfront), she saw a rainbow in the sky and it reminded her that Grandpa was watching over us and that made her feel better.

It had been awhile since I'd see a rainbow and smiled towards my dad. I'm grateful for the small reminders that folks from both sides of the veil are working on our behalf to cheer us on and share their love with us on this journey called mortality.

Love you, Dad.  I hope it is another 7300+ days before we meet again, but I know you are cheering us on and building big reminders in the sky that you are here for us.

Checklists - The Road Ahead - Keeping Faith - Good Prevails

Psalm 46:10
"Be still, and know that I am God"
 

Family.  Check.  Friends.  Check. Specialists. Check.  Knowing that Heavenly Father is in charge... Priceless.


Today's update isn't as upbeat as usual.  Don't worry.  This isn't a lessening of my resolve.  Just the reality that some days will see a little rain.  Today was a mentally and emotionally exhausting rainy day.

Why?  Well, much of today was spent coming face to face with the challenges ahead. First visit with my new primary Specialist was this morning. First unplanned mental breakdown was this afternoon (after I left the office).

First planned breakdown is now scheduled for Saturday between 2-4pm at an undisclosed location where what happens in a breakdown stays in the breakdown zone. ;-) 

Special thanks to Hannah and Susan, who work with Dr. Lynne Clark, and patiently answered my questions and graciously made this all sound so 'normal' even though it really isn't 'normal'.  My first visit to Dr. Clark's office was a very positive, but quite surreal, experience.

Next Wednesday, in a very brief surgical procedure, Dr. Clark will insert a "port" under my skin, just below my clavicle,  that will allow chemotherapy and other 'stuff' to have easy entry to my body to help get me well.  Then, next Friday, I meet with Dr Senecal to learn all I never wanted to know about slow drip cancer killing cocktails known as chemotherapy.


Keeping Faith

Big Shout Out to a friend who shared this with me earlier this week from Elder Orson F. Whitney:

“...all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

Good Prevails

Was talking with friends today about the test results and next steps.  While sharing that the biopsy report classifies these abnormal cancer cells as, "aggressive", one of my friends put it all in perspective.  Paraphrasing her a little....

"Well of course they are aggressive, Kathryn. We wouldn't expect your cells to be anything less than aggressive.  But the good news is that the good cells in your body will be even more aggressive than the bad ones".

What a great perspective!  She is absolutely right.  My good cells will aggressively prevail over my bad cells!  That just about summarizes the story of my life.  ;-)

Mixed Bag - A Sack and a Field Goal

Well, the 'breast cancer' words are official. That is the bad news today.  We'll call it a 'sack' early in the first quarter for Team Simpson.

But there is good news.  Team Simpson also scored a field goal early! The cancer may not be as aggressive as we initially thought and it likely hasn't spread past my left side's 'axillary' lymph nodes.  A week ago I didn't even know what an 'axillary' lymph node was!  Now, I know they are the front line of the battle field.  Hold strong my axillary defensive ends!!

So, tonight I'm pouring over my copy of the preliminary biopsy report.  Trying to understand the big words and the little abbreviations.  Reminds me of Tom's basketball and football playbooks that I was never supposed to see.  Every game has it's own vocabulary and while this isn't a game, it does help some to put it in a framework to which I can relate and articulate myself.

Next up is a meeting with the cancer specialist and the full report.  More to follow.

Refusing a Costly Play!

Today, I had to battle to get the preliminary biopsy results. I was told they would be available Tuesday afternoon so I intentionally made an appointment with our family doctor at 4:45pm on Tuesday afternoon.   When I met with our family doctor at 4:45 on Tuesday afternoon, he said the results weren't back yet.  Five yard penalty for my team and second down!

But I refused to let that stop an important drive!  I told him that wasn't acceptable. He's my quarterback right now and I needed him to fight for some yardage.  I told him that every day we wait is time for the cancer to gain ground on us.  So, he stepped up and called an audible.  In fact, I could hear him calling it from the exam room. He called the lab and insisted on the preliminary report and came back in and said we would read it together as soon as it was faxed over to us. We were reading it together about 15 minutes later.

That insistence put us in position for today's field goal!  Don't demand the impossible, but insist on making every possible gain and try to score.


NOT a Time for 'Average' Players

This current paradigm is full of questions.  Where will I be seen?  Who will make up my team?  Which option is the best?  One thing I have given a lot of thought to is who I want on my team of specialists.  But how do I know who is good and who isn't?

I am asking around, doing some research, and asking more as I understand more.  The single most significant reason I want exceptional specialists on my team is because I want exceptional results.  I am not willing to settle for 'average' because I don't want to be part of the 'average'.  I want to be the exception to live the longest!  This is no time to settle for average!  Average may mean living long enough to see my children get married.  Exceptional is living long enough to watch my oldest grandchild, who has yet to be born, play in his first varsity high school baseball game.

Average players need not apply for Team Simpson!

Three Special Requests...

With so many wonderful friends and colleagues, the most frequent question I'm being asked right now is, "How can I help?"

I also have three special requests. 

1. The most helpful thing you can do right now is to pray with us to have the strength, love, and humor we (Steph, Tom, and I) need for this detour.  I am a firm believer in a kind, loving, and humorous Heavenly Father who knows each of us and wants us to share in the joy of life.  Please especially keep Steph and Tom in your prayers. This is hardest on them.
2. If I text, message, or call you and ask you for a joke, it is because I'm scared and I don't like to admit that I'm scared.  So, have a good joke ready.  Clean joke, please (that will be a challenge for a few of you).  If you can't think of a joke, share your favorite scripture.  Don't ask me what I'm scared about, just be there with a distraction, please.
3. When you interact with my kids, please be sure to be positive with them.  Let them know that I am tough, I am resilient, and I am up for this fight. Let them know that you have seen me fight for what I think is right and that this fight is right! This fight is winnable!  I will fight to get to Day 7300.  I have every intention of being a 'neener neener' grandma and resource for my children in my old age.  Life is good.  Don't let my kids down.

Leslie has dibs on blonde jokes.
Naomi has dibs on scriptures because she thinks she isn't good with jokes.
What jokes do you want dibs on?

You can also help me pay life forward.  When you see someone struggling, help them up.  When you see a child in need, make a difference.  When you think that "they ought to do something about that", be the "they" and make it happen! When you see that scrap of trash on the trail, the steps, or the sidewalk, be the one to pick it up and put it in the trash can.
 
If you know me at all, you know I am fiercely independent.  It will be hard to ask for help.  There may come a time when I need to ask for help or accept help.  I have promised my friends that I will do that if/when it becomes necessary.  But right now, I am feeling great, have great insurance, a good job, and lots of emotional support from all of you.  Please know that I know that you care.  Let me be independent for as long as I can (which will hopefully be through Day 7300) and I promise I will ask for help when I need it.

By the way, 7300 days is 20 years. That is my goal.  Anything after that is gravy and I like gravy.  GO TEAM SIMPSON!

Day 3 - A "Normal" Day

Today (Saturday) gets to be a normal day.  Well, as close to normal as normal can be right now.  No pokes, prods, doctor's appointments, tests, consults, or scary moments.

Nice to breathe easy today!

Biopsy site is a little sore and a lot bruised, but seems to be fine.  The technician bandaged it really well.

Back to School Celebration at 11:00.  Painting a wall in the living room.  Going to take a walk at the Port Orchard Marina later today to get a close-up view of the tall ships in port. A beautiful, warm, August day, in the great Northwest.  Life is good!

Day 2 - Friday - The Work Begins

Day 2 was easier.  Hard, but easier.

Called, texted, chatted, and met with as many close friends and colleagues as I could talk to personally today before the rumor mills start flying.  I'm so grateful for all my friends and colleagues.  From hugs, prayers, and teasing, I know how richly blessed I am.  Thank you, All!  

Got a call from the Milgard Center, they planned to do the biopsies early next week, but made room for me today (Friday) if I could be in by 12:30.  So, I had some lunch with Tom and headed back to Tacoma.  Mentally trying to wrap my head around having biopsies done while I was awake was challenging and scary.  But, it was what it was.

Fortunately, the biopsies were less painful and less threatening than I thought it would be.  It is the little things that make it frightening.  Needles are little things.  Being exposed on a table/bed with medical staff pouring warm goo on you while pointing out good places to poke a needle in you is not pleasant.

One suggestion to others starting on this journey.  Remember that you can close your eyes!  If a procedure gets overwhelming, close your eyes!  Even if it is just for a few moments, you don't have to see everything. This is why you have experts working with you.  Their eyes need to be open, but yours don't. 

The good news today is that the doctor was much more optimistic.  Still believes it is cancer, but thinks it may be less advanced than we thought yesterday.  I'll take some good news and consider it a win for the day.

Biopsy results by Tuesday. Appointment with my primary care physician at Tuesday afternoon to discuss and establish the game plan.

Day 1 - The Toughest Day - Thursday, August 15, 2013

Day 1 started off like a relatively normal day at the Simpson Ranch. Apprehensive, but normal.   Up for work, running late, lots to do.  Worked until 2:30 and then off to my first mammogram in 10 years (yeah, yeah... I know!) at the Carol Milgard Breast Center. 

 

I knew there was trouble when the radiologist wanted a second set of additional pictures, then a third set, then 'just one more', then an ultrasound (which wasn't part of the day's plan).  It was obvious, even to me, that my left lymph nodes were extremely enlarged.  Right side was completely normal (the good news of the day).  Terrifying, but also somewhat of a relief to have an answer to my concerns.  I also got the idea it was serious when he said, "There is a chance it isn't cancer" and then restated himself and said, "There is a remote chance it isn't cancer".  That was hard to hear. That was where the first tear came and was immediately followed by a resolve that I am tougher than cancer.

 

Side note to doctors everywhere.  Please meet your patient before they are 'exposed' and in a vulnerable state on a table being poked and prodded by a technician.  No matter how nice you are, that is a tough way to start a positive relationship. To his credit, he apologized.  :-)

 

The brief consult afterwards was tough.  Tentative diagnosis is Inflammatory Breast Cancer, caution to drive safely, and a reminder that cancer (even aggressive cancer) is no longer a death sentence.  Oh, and he also said that he had a good sense that if anyone could beat this, it would be a person like me (who challenges a doctor's manners and asks a lot of questions).

 

Then came the toughest part of the day... the toughest conversation I have ever had in my life... telling the kids.  As I drove to meet them, I rehearsed out loud what I was going to say and how I was going to say it.  Saying the words out loud made them real and it became easier to say the "cancer" words.  I was grateful for the hour between.  It helped me deal with my own feelings and be stronger when I talked with them.

 

Steph is 21 and Tom is 18.  We are a close family. While I will share a lot over the course of this journey, there will be some things I'll hold back on because they are too personal.  Suffice it to say, I had three strategies...

 

1. Tell them together.
2. Be positive.
3. Assure them that there will be no more surprises.  When I know something, they will know something.

 

For anyone who has to have this conversation, be aware that every child's response will be different and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to respond.  It was tough, but I framed it as positively as  I could and fumbled through it. Then, I had to understand that they would need to process this.  And older children process with their friends, not me, first.  I understood that didn't mean they love me any less.  It means they need to figure it out, to feel safe to yell about it and not have to worry about hurting my feelings.  That is good and that is normal.  Give your kids the space they need to come to terms with something very frightening for them.

 

Day 1 was the toughest day.  Every day forward will be better!