Day 16 - Thinking about the Heavy Lifting



Gonna need a little help from my friends!
Thanks Marcia, Marty, and Mike!

What a chaotic whirlwind the past two weeks have been!  This is just not how I planned life at this time.

Friends repeatedly remind me, "You can do this! If anyone can, you can!", with conviction and support.  Openly, I agree, and then laugh and say, "Do I have a choice?" Inside my head though, I am thinking, "Holy Seminole, this is going to require some heavy lifting!"

 

Do I have a choice?  Well, actually I have many choices.  Do I fight with all my might? Do I look for the good in others?  Will I hide under my blanket (HUMB) for days?  Will I curse at the nurse that just poked me three times when one stick should have been enough?  Do I self-medicate unnecessarily?  Do I get angry with God?  Do I take a little risk from time to time and run with scissors (RWS) just for the fun of it? Do I remember my manners? Do I thank Heavenly Father for the richness and goodness that is in my life?  Will I ask for help when I need it?  So many choices, so much agency in this. 

Ultimately, I believe that I will make choices in this fight that are consistent with my internal values. So, not only will I fight for 7300 days, but I will fight fair, fight hard, and fight right!  Yes, there is going to be some heavy lifting over the next several months and maybe for a few years.  Yes, I'm going to handle it poorly from time to time.  But that is LIFE!  And I intend to live my life to it's fullest, good days and bad.

Breakfast of Champions!
PET Scan Juice

If I'm edgy sometimes, please forgive me and kick me in the keester to get out of it. I have choices in the battle each day.  I am counting on my friends to help me make the detour choices ones full of hope, graciousness, and love.  Not just one choice, but the many choices each day.  These choices will determine not just whether I win the war, but the landscape of the battleground, and most importantly (to me) the value in this journey for my family.

So, my first choice is to be a realistic optimist.  Even when my breakfast is a bottle full of high contrast barium liquid or my first conversation of the day is with a nurse with a needle!  I have choices! I choose to grimace, make a joke, and get it done!!!

 

 



Tests, Needles, Tests, Needles...
Necessary to KCA!!
 

KCA Milestones this past Week: 

• Mon - MRI Scan
• Wed - PET/CT Scans
• Wed - Chemo Port Install Surgery
• Fri    - Strategy Meeting with Oncologist
• Fri   - Baseline Echo-Cardiogram (Surprise! I actually have a heart!)

General Plans for the Week:

• Sat/Sun/Mon - Paint, trip to Cabellas, Chores, HUMB
• Tues - Possibly a biopsy of two 'rogue' lymph nodes.
• Wed - Work, First Day of School in SKSD!! (Happy Happy!), School Board Meeting
• Thurs - Work, likely the first day of KCA Chemo, SKHS Football!!
• Friday - Work
• Sat - HUMB
• Sun -RWS

Work-Out Goals for the Week:(looking for volunteers to walk with me)

• Sat/Sun - 10 laps at the SKHS Track
• Mon - 5 laps at the SKHS Track + YMCA
• Tues - 5 laps at SKHS
• Wed -
• Thurs - 3 laps at the visitor's Track before the SKHS game.
• Friday -5 laps at SKHS + YMCA

Day 14 - Sunshine and Rain

Today was a big win for Team Simpson!!  The best part of today?  Telling Steph and Tom the good news!!  It felt SO good to share some good news with them!! You'll have to read all the way to the end to get the good news too, if you don't already know. :-)

 

2013 has been an awesome summer for the NW.  Glorious weather for nearly two months.  Fun, sun, and family!  Hardly any measurable rain. Then, today, the rain hit all at once.  A sudden downpour of sheets and sheets of rain.  Followed, almost immediately, by a weather forecast for more glorious sunshine soon. The rain was so impressive that I just couldn't resist the opportunity to act like a kid and run outside and dance in it for fun. 

This summer's weather seemed to mimic our family's experience for the past two months.  Glorious times with the road to the State Baseball Championship game, graduations, and celebrations of milestones in our family.  Then, suddenly, out of no where, it started to pour sheets and sheets of rain into our lives with the cancer diagnosis.  It was raining so hard that we felt like we were drowning at times. 

 

While it poured down on us, our friends and family poured out their hearts in prayers, moral support, and good thoughts! That kept us above the water line.

Yesterday, in true team spirit, Steph and Tom chauffeured me to  the PET/CT scans and then to St. Joseph's for the brief surgery to install the chemo port.  Tough work, but I was grateful they went with me for moral support and to understand things better. I was very worried that the scans would show a broader scope of the metastasized cancer.

 

Then today, even though it is still pouring, we got to dance in the rain!! In fact, that rain dance was so powerful that there is now a forecast for more glorious sunshine soon too!  The PET/CT scans show NO ACTIVITY outside of my left and right breasts and associated lymph nodes!!  Right now, I am the happiest person with cancer on the planet.  I don't even care that I just said the words "breasts" in public!  I'll blush about it later (smile).

Life is GOOD.  Keep up the prayers and good thoughts.  We have felt the power of a loving and humorous Father in Heaven.  The road ahead will be challenging, but we can now see sunshine in the distance.  It beckons and we will work as hard as we can to reach it.

 

Day 10: Breaking Down - Building Within - Racing to the Top

The past two weeks have been so surreal.    My mind has kept up, but my heart and soul have been struggling to catch a breath. I knew I needed to have a breakdown.  It was inevitable. I also knew I needed it to be immediately  followed by a heart-to-heart with Heavenly Father to pour out my fears to Him to bring in the faith.   Yet, I was uncertain if I was ready for answers I didn't want to hear.

There is a legitimate mortal struggle between trust and fear. Yet, I know that I don't have room for the negative energy of fear in this fight. I need the strength that comes with faith in God's Plan, not just faith in God.  The distance between real faith and just repeating the language of faith is very wide. This battle cannot be sustained on borrowed faith or the habits of the language of faith. It must be built from within.

In an immediate crisis, we generally rely on our training to get us through the moment. That is why we train. But training won't sustain us for long unless we genuinely embrace the principles and truths behind it.   When lacking genuine trust, a soldier has a lot of time between one crisis and the next to question the veracity and relevance of the mission.  Are we fighting for the right cause? Is the leadership the right leadership to follow? Am I a pawn or a warrior?

So, on Saturday, I took a drive to a clear my head, melt down, and have a warrior's heart-to-heart.  While what happens in the breakdown zone stays in the breakdown zone, I can say that I'm confident in Heavenly Father's plan.  I trust that He knows best and will empower me with the love, vigilance, grace, and hope to find the joy in the journey and be the best parent I can be for my children.  He knows how deeply I love my children and He knows their needs.  I don't trust easy, but I trust our living God.  Whether I am blessed with one year, five years, or a full 7300 days, I am confident that Heavenly Father's plan is the best plan and love will prevail.

As I was on the ferry coming home, I saw a facebook post from a friend about climbing the Pinnacle at REI.  I challenged her to a race to the top a year from now.  I intend to beat her with a few seconds to spare!

Plans for the week:
Mon - MRI
Wed - PET and CT Scan + Port Installation
Fri    - Meet with the Oncologist
Sat   - RWS  (running with scissors) 

Big shout outs to friends who have sent me messages, jokes, music, and texts of good thoughts and love this week!  You have kept me sane amongst the chaos.  Thank you!

Rainbow Reminders

Many years ago, when Steph and Tom were still quite young, they loved spending time with my dad, Grandpa Everett.  Grandpa lived in Hawaii and came out to visit as often as he could.  Unfortunately, he died unexpectedly in 1997, when Stephie was about 6 and Tom was 3.



Picture by Joel Sartore
 

Stephie was old enough to understand a little about death and she wanted to understand where Grandpa went.  As we talked about life and death and Heavenly Father's plan for us, she asked, "Mom, what will Grandpa do in Heaven?".  I told her that I wasn't exactly sure, but I knew two things about Grandpa.  First, he would be working to improve things in Heaven.  Second, he would be watching over us and cheering us on from a distance.  Trying to frame it in a way she could understand, I told her that Grandpa was likely going to be working on rainbows because Stephie loved rainbows and Grandpa would want a way to remind her how much he loves her.  So, any time we saw a rainbow in the sky we could think of Grandpa and the work he is doing in heaven to help Heavenly Father and to watch over us.

That made sense to Stephie at the time and it comforted me every time I saw a rainbow after that.

Well, last Thursday, when I had to talk to the kids about this cancer journey, they were devastated.  As was I. But Stephie told me later that while we were talking (we were at the Bremerton Waterfront), she saw a rainbow in the sky and it reminded her that Grandpa was watching over us and that made her feel better.

It had been awhile since I'd see a rainbow and smiled towards my dad. I'm grateful for the small reminders that folks from both sides of the veil are working on our behalf to cheer us on and share their love with us on this journey called mortality.

Love you, Dad.  I hope it is another 7300+ days before we meet again, but I know you are cheering us on and building big reminders in the sky that you are here for us.

Checklists - The Road Ahead - Keeping Faith - Good Prevails

Psalm 46:10
"Be still, and know that I am God"
 

Family.  Check.  Friends.  Check. Specialists. Check.  Knowing that Heavenly Father is in charge... Priceless.


Today's update isn't as upbeat as usual.  Don't worry.  This isn't a lessening of my resolve.  Just the reality that some days will see a little rain.  Today was a mentally and emotionally exhausting rainy day.

Why?  Well, much of today was spent coming face to face with the challenges ahead. First visit with my new primary Specialist was this morning. First unplanned mental breakdown was this afternoon (after I left the office).

First planned breakdown is now scheduled for Saturday between 2-4pm at an undisclosed location where what happens in a breakdown stays in the breakdown zone. ;-) 

Special thanks to Hannah and Susan, who work with Dr. Lynne Clark, and patiently answered my questions and graciously made this all sound so 'normal' even though it really isn't 'normal'.  My first visit to Dr. Clark's office was a very positive, but quite surreal, experience.

Next Wednesday, in a very brief surgical procedure, Dr. Clark will insert a "port" under my skin, just below my clavicle,  that will allow chemotherapy and other 'stuff' to have easy entry to my body to help get me well.  Then, next Friday, I meet with Dr Senecal to learn all I never wanted to know about slow drip cancer killing cocktails known as chemotherapy.


Keeping Faith

Big Shout Out to a friend who shared this with me earlier this week from Elder Orson F. Whitney:

“...all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

Good Prevails

Was talking with friends today about the test results and next steps.  While sharing that the biopsy report classifies these abnormal cancer cells as, "aggressive", one of my friends put it all in perspective.  Paraphrasing her a little....

"Well of course they are aggressive, Kathryn. We wouldn't expect your cells to be anything less than aggressive.  But the good news is that the good cells in your body will be even more aggressive than the bad ones".

What a great perspective!  She is absolutely right.  My good cells will aggressively prevail over my bad cells!  That just about summarizes the story of my life.  ;-)

Mixed Bag - A Sack and a Field Goal

Well, the 'breast cancer' words are official. That is the bad news today.  We'll call it a 'sack' early in the first quarter for Team Simpson.

But there is good news.  Team Simpson also scored a field goal early! The cancer may not be as aggressive as we initially thought and it likely hasn't spread past my left side's 'axillary' lymph nodes.  A week ago I didn't even know what an 'axillary' lymph node was!  Now, I know they are the front line of the battle field.  Hold strong my axillary defensive ends!!

So, tonight I'm pouring over my copy of the preliminary biopsy report.  Trying to understand the big words and the little abbreviations.  Reminds me of Tom's basketball and football playbooks that I was never supposed to see.  Every game has it's own vocabulary and while this isn't a game, it does help some to put it in a framework to which I can relate and articulate myself.

Next up is a meeting with the cancer specialist and the full report.  More to follow.

Refusing a Costly Play!

Today, I had to battle to get the preliminary biopsy results. I was told they would be available Tuesday afternoon so I intentionally made an appointment with our family doctor at 4:45pm on Tuesday afternoon.   When I met with our family doctor at 4:45 on Tuesday afternoon, he said the results weren't back yet.  Five yard penalty for my team and second down!

But I refused to let that stop an important drive!  I told him that wasn't acceptable. He's my quarterback right now and I needed him to fight for some yardage.  I told him that every day we wait is time for the cancer to gain ground on us.  So, he stepped up and called an audible.  In fact, I could hear him calling it from the exam room. He called the lab and insisted on the preliminary report and came back in and said we would read it together as soon as it was faxed over to us. We were reading it together about 15 minutes later.

That insistence put us in position for today's field goal!  Don't demand the impossible, but insist on making every possible gain and try to score.


NOT a Time for 'Average' Players

This current paradigm is full of questions.  Where will I be seen?  Who will make up my team?  Which option is the best?  One thing I have given a lot of thought to is who I want on my team of specialists.  But how do I know who is good and who isn't?

I am asking around, doing some research, and asking more as I understand more.  The single most significant reason I want exceptional specialists on my team is because I want exceptional results.  I am not willing to settle for 'average' because I don't want to be part of the 'average'.  I want to be the exception to live the longest!  This is no time to settle for average!  Average may mean living long enough to see my children get married.  Exceptional is living long enough to watch my oldest grandchild, who has yet to be born, play in his first varsity high school baseball game.

Average players need not apply for Team Simpson!

Three Special Requests...

With so many wonderful friends and colleagues, the most frequent question I'm being asked right now is, "How can I help?"

I also have three special requests. 

1. The most helpful thing you can do right now is to pray with us to have the strength, love, and humor we (Steph, Tom, and I) need for this detour.  I am a firm believer in a kind, loving, and humorous Heavenly Father who knows each of us and wants us to share in the joy of life.  Please especially keep Steph and Tom in your prayers. This is hardest on them.
2. If I text, message, or call you and ask you for a joke, it is because I'm scared and I don't like to admit that I'm scared.  So, have a good joke ready.  Clean joke, please (that will be a challenge for a few of you).  If you can't think of a joke, share your favorite scripture.  Don't ask me what I'm scared about, just be there with a distraction, please.
3. When you interact with my kids, please be sure to be positive with them.  Let them know that I am tough, I am resilient, and I am up for this fight. Let them know that you have seen me fight for what I think is right and that this fight is right! This fight is winnable!  I will fight to get to Day 7300.  I have every intention of being a 'neener neener' grandma and resource for my children in my old age.  Life is good.  Don't let my kids down.

Leslie has dibs on blonde jokes.
Naomi has dibs on scriptures because she thinks she isn't good with jokes.
What jokes do you want dibs on?

You can also help me pay life forward.  When you see someone struggling, help them up.  When you see a child in need, make a difference.  When you think that "they ought to do something about that", be the "they" and make it happen! When you see that scrap of trash on the trail, the steps, or the sidewalk, be the one to pick it up and put it in the trash can.
 
If you know me at all, you know I am fiercely independent.  It will be hard to ask for help.  There may come a time when I need to ask for help or accept help.  I have promised my friends that I will do that if/when it becomes necessary.  But right now, I am feeling great, have great insurance, a good job, and lots of emotional support from all of you.  Please know that I know that you care.  Let me be independent for as long as I can (which will hopefully be through Day 7300) and I promise I will ask for help when I need it.

By the way, 7300 days is 20 years. That is my goal.  Anything after that is gravy and I like gravy.  GO TEAM SIMPSON!

Day 3 - A "Normal" Day

Today (Saturday) gets to be a normal day.  Well, as close to normal as normal can be right now.  No pokes, prods, doctor's appointments, tests, consults, or scary moments.

Nice to breathe easy today!

Biopsy site is a little sore and a lot bruised, but seems to be fine.  The technician bandaged it really well.

Back to School Celebration at 11:00.  Painting a wall in the living room.  Going to take a walk at the Port Orchard Marina later today to get a close-up view of the tall ships in port. A beautiful, warm, August day, in the great Northwest.  Life is good!

Day 2 - Friday - The Work Begins

Day 2 was easier.  Hard, but easier.

Called, texted, chatted, and met with as many close friends and colleagues as I could talk to personally today before the rumor mills start flying.  I'm so grateful for all my friends and colleagues.  From hugs, prayers, and teasing, I know how richly blessed I am.  Thank you, All!  

Got a call from the Milgard Center, they planned to do the biopsies early next week, but made room for me today (Friday) if I could be in by 12:30.  So, I had some lunch with Tom and headed back to Tacoma.  Mentally trying to wrap my head around having biopsies done while I was awake was challenging and scary.  But, it was what it was.

Fortunately, the biopsies were less painful and less threatening than I thought it would be.  It is the little things that make it frightening.  Needles are little things.  Being exposed on a table/bed with medical staff pouring warm goo on you while pointing out good places to poke a needle in you is not pleasant.

One suggestion to others starting on this journey.  Remember that you can close your eyes!  If a procedure gets overwhelming, close your eyes!  Even if it is just for a few moments, you don't have to see everything. This is why you have experts working with you.  Their eyes need to be open, but yours don't. 

The good news today is that the doctor was much more optimistic.  Still believes it is cancer, but thinks it may be less advanced than we thought yesterday.  I'll take some good news and consider it a win for the day.

Biopsy results by Tuesday. Appointment with my primary care physician at Tuesday afternoon to discuss and establish the game plan.

Day 1 - The Toughest Day - Thursday, August 15, 2013

Day 1 started off like a relatively normal day at the Simpson Ranch. Apprehensive, but normal.   Up for work, running late, lots to do.  Worked until 2:30 and then off to my first mammogram in 10 years (yeah, yeah... I know!) at the Carol Milgard Breast Center. 

 

I knew there was trouble when the radiologist wanted a second set of additional pictures, then a third set, then 'just one more', then an ultrasound (which wasn't part of the day's plan).  It was obvious, even to me, that my left lymph nodes were extremely enlarged.  Right side was completely normal (the good news of the day).  Terrifying, but also somewhat of a relief to have an answer to my concerns.  I also got the idea it was serious when he said, "There is a chance it isn't cancer" and then restated himself and said, "There is a remote chance it isn't cancer".  That was hard to hear. That was where the first tear came and was immediately followed by a resolve that I am tougher than cancer.

 

Side note to doctors everywhere.  Please meet your patient before they are 'exposed' and in a vulnerable state on a table being poked and prodded by a technician.  No matter how nice you are, that is a tough way to start a positive relationship. To his credit, he apologized.  :-)

 

The brief consult afterwards was tough.  Tentative diagnosis is Inflammatory Breast Cancer, caution to drive safely, and a reminder that cancer (even aggressive cancer) is no longer a death sentence.  Oh, and he also said that he had a good sense that if anyone could beat this, it would be a person like me (who challenges a doctor's manners and asks a lot of questions).

 

Then came the toughest part of the day... the toughest conversation I have ever had in my life... telling the kids.  As I drove to meet them, I rehearsed out loud what I was going to say and how I was going to say it.  Saying the words out loud made them real and it became easier to say the "cancer" words.  I was grateful for the hour between.  It helped me deal with my own feelings and be stronger when I talked with them.

 

Steph is 21 and Tom is 18.  We are a close family. While I will share a lot over the course of this journey, there will be some things I'll hold back on because they are too personal.  Suffice it to say, I had three strategies...

 

1. Tell them together.
2. Be positive.
3. Assure them that there will be no more surprises.  When I know something, they will know something.

 

For anyone who has to have this conversation, be aware that every child's response will be different and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to respond.  It was tough, but I framed it as positively as  I could and fumbled through it. Then, I had to understand that they would need to process this.  And older children process with their friends, not me, first.  I understood that didn't mean they love me any less.  It means they need to figure it out, to feel safe to yell about it and not have to worry about hurting my feelings.  That is good and that is normal.  Give your kids the space they need to come to terms with something very frightening for them.

 

Day 1 was the toughest day.  Every day forward will be better!