The past two weeks have been so surreal. My mind has kept up, but my heart and soul have been struggling to catch a breath. I knew I needed to have a breakdown. It was inevitable. I also knew I needed it to be immediately followed by a heart-to-heart with Heavenly Father to pour out my fears to Him to bring in the faith. Yet, I was uncertain if I was ready for answers I didn't want to hear.
There is a legitimate mortal struggle between trust and fear. Yet, I know that I don't have room for the negative energy of fear in this fight. I need the strength that comes with faith in God's Plan, not just faith in God.
The distance between real faith and just repeating the language of faith is very wide. This battle cannot be sustained on borrowed faith or the habits of the language of faith. It must be built from within.
In an immediate crisis, we generally rely on our training to get us through the moment. That is why we train. But training won't sustain us for long unless we genuinely embrace the principles and truths behind it. When lacking genuine trust, a soldier has a lot of time between one crisis and the next to question the veracity and relevance of the mission. Are we fighting for the right cause? Is the leadership the right leadership to follow? Am I a pawn or a warrior?
So, on Saturday, I took a drive to a clear my head, melt down, and have a warrior's heart-to-heart. While what happens in the breakdown zone stays in the breakdown zone, I can say that I'm confident in Heavenly Father's plan. I trust that He knows best and will empower me with the love, vigilance, grace, and hope to find the joy in the journey and be the best parent I can be for my children. He knows how deeply I love my children and He knows their needs. I don't trust easy, but I trust our living God. Whether I am blessed with one year, five years, or a full 7300 days, I am confident that Heavenly Father's plan is the best plan and love will prevail.
As I was on the ferry coming home, I saw a facebook post from a friend about climbing the Pinnacle at REI. I challenged her to a race to the top a year from now. I intend to beat her with a few seconds to spare!
Plans for the week:
Mon - MRI
Wed - PET and CT Scan + Port Installation
Fri - Meet with the Oncologist
Sat - RWS (running with scissors)
There is a legitimate mortal struggle between trust and fear. Yet, I know that I don't have room for the negative energy of fear in this fight. I need the strength that comes with faith in God's Plan, not just faith in God.
The distance between real faith and just repeating the language of faith is very wide. This battle cannot be sustained on borrowed faith or the habits of the language of faith. It must be built from within.In an immediate crisis, we generally rely on our training to get us through the moment. That is why we train. But training won't sustain us for long unless we genuinely embrace the principles and truths behind it. When lacking genuine trust, a soldier has a lot of time between one crisis and the next to question the veracity and relevance of the mission. Are we fighting for the right cause? Is the leadership the right leadership to follow? Am I a pawn or a warrior?
So, on Saturday, I took a drive to a clear my head, melt down, and have a warrior's heart-to-heart. While what happens in the breakdown zone stays in the breakdown zone, I can say that I'm confident in Heavenly Father's plan. I trust that He knows best and will empower me with the love, vigilance, grace, and hope to find the joy in the journey and be the best parent I can be for my children. He knows how deeply I love my children and He knows their needs. I don't trust easy, but I trust our living God. Whether I am blessed with one year, five years, or a full 7300 days, I am confident that Heavenly Father's plan is the best plan and love will prevail.
As I was on the ferry coming home, I saw a facebook post from a friend about climbing the Pinnacle at REI. I challenged her to a race to the top a year from now. I intend to beat her with a few seconds to spare!
Plans for the week:
Mon - MRI
Wed - PET and CT Scan + Port Installation
Fri - Meet with the Oncologist
Sat - RWS (running with scissors)
Big shout outs to friends who have sent me messages, jokes, music, and texts of good thoughts and love this week! You have kept me sane amongst the chaos. Thank you!
If you ever had an English teacher who gave you less than an A++ for your writing ability and insightfulness, he/she needs to retire! Of course at our age . . . they probably already did!! :) You inspire us all! Will be praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThe English grade balanced out my science grade pretty well. ;-)
DeleteThank you for the prayers! Keep'em coming!!
When you are having your procedures this week turn any fear you may have into fascination of the technology that will unable you to Kick Cancer's Ass. From now I will simply refer to that phrase as KCA. We have been trained to not want to get an F but I think the F's get us through our lives. Faith, Friendships, Fun, Fascination, Food and something you have an abundance of Fight. Now you know when I say you are going to F'ing KCA, I'm not swearing :) Whatever God's plan you will face it with strength and dignity. It is just who you are. I am blessed to have you as a friend.
ReplyDeleteFaith, Friends, Fun, Fascination, Food, and Fight! Yup, F'ing KCA! Got it!! This could be fun to play with! Thanks!
DeleteWe have a great team of family, friends, and medical professionals. We are going to F'ing KCA!! ;-)