Day 1 started off like a relatively normal day at the Simpson Ranch. Apprehensive, but normal. Up for work, running late, lots to do. Worked until 2:30 and then off to my first mammogram in 10 years (yeah, yeah... I know!) at the Carol Milgard Breast Center.
I knew there was trouble when the radiologist wanted a second set of additional pictures, then a third set, then 'just one more', then an ultrasound (which wasn't part of the day's plan). It was obvious, even to me, that my left lymph nodes were extremely enlarged. Right side was completely normal (the good news of the day). Terrifying, but also somewhat of a relief to have an answer to my concerns. I also got the idea it was serious when he said, "There is a chance it isn't cancer" and then restated himself and said, "There is a remote chance it isn't cancer". That was hard to hear. That was where the first tear came and was immediately followed by a resolve that I am tougher than cancer.
Side note to doctors everywhere. Please meet your patient before they are 'exposed' and in a vulnerable state on a table being poked and prodded by a technician. No matter how nice you are, that is a tough way to start a positive relationship. To his credit, he apologized. :-)
The brief consult afterwards was tough. Tentative diagnosis is Inflammatory Breast Cancer, caution to drive safely, and a reminder that cancer (even aggressive cancer) is no longer a death sentence. Oh, and he also said that he had a good sense that if anyone could beat this, it would be a person like me (who challenges a doctor's manners and asks a lot of questions).
Then came the toughest part of the day... the toughest conversation I have ever had in my life... telling the kids. As I drove to meet them, I rehearsed out loud what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. Saying the words out loud made them real and it became easier to say the "cancer" words. I was grateful for the hour between. It helped me deal with my own feelings and be stronger when I talked with them.
Steph is 21 and Tom is 18. We are a close family. While I will share a lot over the course of this journey, there will be some things I'll hold back on because they are too personal. Suffice it to say, I had three strategies...
- Tell them together.
- Be positive.
- Assure them that there will be no more surprises. When I know something, they will know something.
For anyone who has to have this conversation, be aware that every child's response will be different and there is no "right" or "wrong" way to respond. It was tough, but I framed it as positively as I could and fumbled through it. Then, I had to understand that they would need to process this. And older children process with their friends, not me, first. I understood that didn't mean they love me any less. It means they need to figure it out, to feel safe to yell about it and not have to worry about hurting my feelings. That is good and that is normal. Give your kids the space they need to come to terms with something very frightening for them.
Day 1 was the toughest day. Every day forward will be better!
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